Happy August. Can you believe it's AUGUST? Like... half of the year is already over? I keep thinking life is just zooming by me, but at the same time... there has been lots of changes and goodness.  I finally uploaded pictures from my memory card and realized how much has gone on and I didn't write about it!

Alissa turned TWO! This entry is dedicated to her.

The one thing I really did want to write about was my first day alone with Alissa where I took her to VBS at church. Just spending those four hours with her ( yes... it felt a lot longer, but it was only four hours) I learned a lot about her and motherhood.

After I picked her up from her house her mommy got her really excited and was telling her how she was going to go with Eemo Nene to church and we were going to go swimming!! Alissa loves swimming so she was uber excited. Everything was ready go to and of course I wore my bikini under my clothes because we were going to go swimming!

It was the first time I drove Alissa anywhere with just me and her in the car and to be honest... I was so nervous to be alone with her for the day! I felt like she was going to get bored and we would run out of things to talk about ( like a bad first date! ahah) and I thought she was going to miss her mom and I wouldn't know what to do. Anywho, on the way to church I keep talking to her while she in the back seat, but our conversation is very limited since I only ask her questions like where is Hailey and what color is that.... I then start to play Josh Groban in the car and when I look in my rear view mirror, I see that she has this crazy sleepy face on and is starting to fall asleep! omg. My first 10 minutes with this child and I already made her fall asleep! I quickly turn it off and start to sing to her and she wakes up quick. Phew. Boredom averted.

So.. we get to the church and I find the room with the toddlers and all the kids are wearing these blue VBS t shirts. I ask Alissa if she wants to put hers on and she flat out says NO. I tell her, " but look! all the other kids are wearing it!" but nope. She refuses. SO... Alissa ends up being the only one not wearing the blue Jesus shirt. VBS gives us these craft things to do which you glue eyeballs to this green thing and I think it was an alligator or a lizard..?? Not sure. Anyway, here it is and I made Alissa pose with it.

 

 

 

 

HelLo.... It's been a crazy week, but I really wanted to update you guys on what was going on with Tiffany and Anderson. Here are her latest e-mails... they are sad, but happy in a sense. I love how she writes that she imagines Anderson flying up to heaven.... and no long bound by earthly time...by the time he turns around she will be there to grab his hand only "moments" later.

July 22

Hey all,

Not much has changed.  Well... his pupils have gone from mildly unequal to drastically unequal and much bigger than yesterday.  Never a good sign.  We did get the EEG done today but the results aren't in the computer yet.  The neurosurgeon said that by the laws of the state of Texas, he is not alive any longer. 

From the change in the pupils... I don't think it's going to be much longer now.  From what I remember from school.. dilated pupils means there's pressure in his head.  Unequal pupils mean that the pressure on those sides are different.  I think bigger pupils means more pressure.  The fact that they're getting bigger by the day means that the pressure is increasing.  When the pressure gets too high, the brain will have nowhere to go except out the bottom of the skull.  That's so gruesome.  I'm sorry if you guys didn't want to hear it.  And I'm even more sorry if I'm mistaken.  This kind of thing isn't really what the doctors tell us when they come by.  They're more interested in making sure we're OK and meeting our needs.  I'm so thankful for that and EXTREMELY thankful that we're where we're at.  MD Anderson really is awesome.  I would highly recommend it to anyone who's suffering from cancer.  I think you'll notice a difference immediately if you've ever been treated at any other hospital.  God really took care of us by bringing us here. 

I try to pray for him now... but if he's already in heaven... I don't have much to pray for.  I'm just thankful if he's already there.  So... I still pray in case he's still here... inside his body.  I don't feel right thinking that there's nothing to pray for because there's always something to pray for.  I try to hug him and lay on him and hold him as much as possible.  Sometimes I put my fingers on his face and turn his mouth up like he's smiling.  It makes me happy very briefly to see him "smiling".  It's really strange too.  Like my heart kinda skips a little and smiles a bit even though I know it's not a real smile.  I just miss him.  Sigh.

I gave blood today.  Just whole blood... I thought about giving platelets... since Anderson needed so many platelet transfusions... but it takes 1.5-2 hours and I didn't want to be stuck there for that long.  And it was my first time giving blood.  They said I did well though.  The phlebotomist kept asking me if I felt OK.  Maybe I'm smaller than the average Texan and she didn't want me to pass out or anything.  Maybe they do it to everyone, but she asked me if I felt funny.  I said... a little bit... but I meant that my arm felt kinda cold and not that I felt light-headed... she put an ice pack under my neck.  I asked her what it was for and she said so i don't get hot.  mmm.  OK.  When I was done, she told me to lay there for a while.  When I thought that I was OK, I sat up and she didn't let me get off the chair for a while.  She brought me some juice and told me to drink it right there.  And after I was done, she still told me to sit there for a little while longer.  I went with it.  I wasn't in much of a rush.  That needle was monster though.  Totally felt like they stuck a coffee stirrer into my vein.  After I took off the pressure bandage, I saw that it wasn't such a big hole but, man, it looked huge at the time.  I felt like I gave back a little to the hospital.  I hope my blood gets put to good use. 

So my little experience with being poked... in a way, gave me a greater appreciation for what Anderson had to go through these past few months in the hospital.  I had one fingerstick to check my iron.  He had to have fingersticks done 3-4 times a day for weeks.  And I found out that it hurts more than I thought.  I thought it would just be a little tiny prick but my finger hurt for a long time after it was all bandaged up.  I had a big needle put in my arm for like 15-20 minutes. And it hurt for hours after they took it out. He's had 2 central lines (one of them was 5-lumen... which is BIG.  5-lumen means it had 5 individual ports all bundled up and going in to a big vein... they said they don't usually put too many of those in...), 2 arterial lines, a PICC line, 2 peripheral IV's... and that's just the past few weeks.  I will try to remember when I'm working... that even though to a nurse, we don't think too much about the little pricks and pain that come as part of the job... the things we do without thinking twice about it...really do hurt.. and every little bit adds up. 

I feel like the past two paragraphs were a little bit useless and aimless. 

Overall, I feel OK today.  I did do my share of crying on and off.  I just miss him so much. 

I don't know what to say right now.  I'm OK with that. 

You don't have to know what to say either.  But if you do have things to say, I do appreciate them via email.  The majority of the time, I'm not in the mood to talk, or visit with people... so emails work for me because I can get to them on my own time.  I've spoken to you from my heart and I very much appreciate it when you speak back to me from yours.  I especially like hearing about your memories. 

I'm so scared of forgetting. K.  Not scared... terrified.  Pictures just aren't enough.  Videos help, but I only have a few videos where he's talking to me.  He did record some audio messages for me when I went to Arizona for PowerPlant a few yrs ago.  I'd lost the charger for that mp3 player so I bought another one on ebay.  Hopefully, I'll be able to recover those.  Or maybe (hopefully) I was genius and saved them on my external hard drive back when he recorded them for me.  I'll have to check when I get home.  One would think that I would have so many memories to draw from, but it's almost like the harder I try to grasp for some, the more they elude me.  I've read that sometimes a face in the crowd, an object, a sound... random things will stir up memories, which will inevitably throw open the floodgates of tears.  I don't look forward to the sadness, but I partially look forward to being reminded of him... as if I could ever forget him. 

Anderson is the love of my life.  Our love is the life-changing kind.  Might be once in my lifetime and I'm OK with that.  I just... miss him. 

I don't know how the rest of you feel about continuing to read my daily thoughts.  I figure, I'll just throw it out there.  Maybe it'll help you feel like you talked to me today.  Or if it's gotten boring, you can just skim.  Either way, it's out there.

Just random thoughts today.

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July 22

Hi everyone,

This morning was like any other morning... I woke up a little damp from sleeping on the vinyl chair/bed.  Hair was a mess. Eyes a little crusty... and morning breath.  I always open my eyes, put on my glasses and check his vital signs on the monitor.  If he's a little tachy (fast heart rate), I pray for that to go down... same with hypertensive or hypotensive.  Oxygen's good.  He looks just as peaceful as he did when I went to bed. 

It's hard to think that today, of all days... my husband... my Anderson... will likely be pronounced dead by someone I just met.  That information will be passed along and documented almost effortlessly... just data to be entered, paperwork to be processed.  It's hard to imagine, that today, on paper, my husband's life will have a date and time to go on the right side of the dash.  Anderson Chen, June 27, 1981-July 22, 2009. 

It hasn't officially happened yet.  Kelly had decided that she wanted to take him off the machine tonight.. maybe 7 or 8pm.  I still feel like I'm being rushed a little... but there will never be a time where I'll be ready so now's as good a time as any. 

No one knows the pain I feel.  That's between me and God.  I don't presume that I'm the only one who's gone through catastrophic loss or has even been confronted with death. Anderson was as much a part of me as I was to him.  I think that from what I've read.. and it's not much... about grief and loss.  I'd have to say that while some commonalities are present through nearly every person's struggle... each individual loss and each bout with grief is quite unique. 

In heaven, there are no more tears, no more pain... no more sickness, no more grief.  The pain I feel from being separated from Anderson... I only imagine that he feels an equal pain as I do.  It's too cruel to think that he passes on to ultimate joy whereas I am left here to suffer the loss on my own.  Maybe his pain hit him the moment before he passed.  Maybe he suffered through this same pain while he was lying there intubated and unable to speak or write about it.  I'd like to think that he'll be taken up into the clouds and since he's no longer bound by earthly time... that he'll see me right behind him.  He'll reach out to me and I'll grab his hand and join him, just "moments" later.  I think that would be joy to him.  Flying up together.  I could be totally wrong about what happens and what's going to happen.  But I'll just have to find out later on. 

It's getting close to that time.  People are waiting outside the room.  I'll just end now and write more later.

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July 22

Hi all,

After I ended this last email... I went to Anderson, laid on him and cried.  People started pouring in.  The chaplain, a few friends we made in Houston... there probably were a lot of people in the room, but I wasn't looking.  It was me and Anderson and I didn't care who else came in to see me cry on him. 

The chaplain said a prayer in Chinese.  His family came by one by one to say their last words to him... in Portuguese, Mandarin... friends came by... everyone said something.  Except me.  I just laid there on his chest... crying.

The doctor came in and asked me if I was ready.  I nodded.  When is anyone ever ready?

She said she was going to get her team together and be back. 

Kelly and her family left.  It was just me, my brother, my dad, and my aunt... and Anderson.

This may have been the point where I started wailing.  Or maybe it started earlier.  I can't remember. 

What was I thinking?  All I wanted to do was remember what it felt like to hold his hand... to look up at his face... to remember the contour of his lips... the way it felt to have my head on his chest.  I wanted to pause and record.  But I couldn't. 

Respiratory suctioned him and then just like that, he removed the breathing tube.  It was so abrupt. 

I was definitely wailing at this point.  Almost hysterical. 

I let myself go and I couldn't really control myself.  I felt like he was slipping away... but then... he took a breath.  And another, and another. 

They gave him one push of morphine.  And he kept breathing.  His heart kept beating.

I wanted him to wake up.  I wanted to hear his voice.  The only thing I had left was a video recording he did for me right before his laminectomy on 5/25.  I took out my phone and I played the video.  He said... I love you.  I love you so much.  We're going to get through everything together, just you and me.  We're going to be OK.  So there's no fear... (and then the video cuts off).  I said OK.  And I stopped crying. 

For a little while, we all just watched him breathe.  His breaths were irregular.  Some big, some small.  They started a morphine drip. 

My phone was still next to me... and I had some music saved in there.  So I played a worship song.  One after another.  I played songs for about an hour.

Ran out of songs on my phone so I took my laptop out and we played more songs there. 

He stopped breathing.  His heart was still beating. 

Blessed be your name.  I'm pretty sure it happened during that song.  Kind of fitting.  That song meant a lot to us.  It was sung at our wedding.  Some of the lyrics are from Job... which we read together before he was hospitalized this last time.  The line "he gives and takes away, our hearts will choose to say, blessed be your name" was what encouraged us after his surgical scar popped open.  And it was the song that was playing when he went to be with God.  God gave me Anderson, God took him away... and still my heart says... blessed be the name of the Lord. 

It hasn't really hit me yet.. that I will never again see his physical face, hold his hand... touch his skin.  My heart will never again jump when I see his name pop up on the chat list... or receive another email from him.  I'll never hear his ring tone again on my phone.  I'll never climb into bed with him or rest my head on his chest again.  I'll never again feel his arms around me or feel his soothing pat on my back.  Tonight, I said my last "goodnight... I love you" 

I miss him.  but I'm OK.  I'm so thankful.  and so blessed.

night you all.
<3,
Tiff

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Day 1: 11am

11 AM

Last night was a horrible night.  I was OK for the most part after we left the hospital, but once I got into bed... the reality of it all just came crashing down on me.  I felt empty.  Like my heart and my lungs weren't there anymore... it was just an empty void in my chest. I cried hysterically again.  And I called my mom.  We cried together. And then my brother told stories about the dog to cheer us up.  It helped.  I slept.

This morning I woke up in a different room. No monitors, no doctors or nurses... but no husband.  I laid there for a while staring at the ceiling fan.  What to do with myself now?

A song that's been in my head since yesterday:

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

I sang it to Anderson in my head.  I'm so thankful for the hope that we have in Jesus.  The hope that I will see my beloved again.  The hope that we will spend an eternity together with God in all joy and happiness.

All our happiness these past 3 years have been marred by intense sorrow.  We have had immeasurable joy and oneness... but I look forward to the day where there is no little tugging in the back of my mind... that this will be the last time we will be doing this together... this could be the last time we have moments like this.  I look forward to an eternity of beautiful moments and new things to share with my Anderson and my God.

As much as I've needed Anderson to get through this... I think he needed me as well.  He needed me to help him live in the moment and not wait for things to get better (back when he was depressed).  He needed me to "rush" him to do things NOW and not put them off.  He needed me to tell him the cold, hard truth... that we make the most of what we've got right now because we might not have it tomorrow.  He always says that I saved his life.  So many times, he's said it.  I don't think I ever said it back to him... but I think he maybe... he already knew.

He knew me and loved me so much more than I loved him.  He always said that he loved me more and I never wanted to believe that... but it's true.  This man was able to peer into my heart, understand my needs and my desires... and take care of me.  When he realized that he wasn't going to be able to do so much longer... he asked others to care for me.

My husband.  My beautiful husband.  I wish... you didn't have to go so soon.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Omg. I'm at work and I didn't even know it, but I never read that last e-mail. As I was copying it into my xanga I began to read it and I began to cry. It's crazy to think I have never met her and she has made me cry at least 4 times in the past week. I was talking to Anderson about them yesterday and we were saying how Tiffany is so strong and through it all... she is always relying on God. She is always thanking Him and asking Him for miracles and sings praise songs in her head... she always just trusted that God would do what was right. Amazing.

You know... People have told me and I've been hearing how people have been so moved by Tiffany's e-mails. I know we don't know her pain... but I think everyone is moved in their own way.. be it by a phrase that she says or by the love that you feel she has for her husband.. or the trust she has in God... she is definitely sharing her husband's testimony.  Anderson and I were saying how maybe this was God's way of working through people in our/their lives to find Christ. Tiffany's Anderson did want to spread the word once he got better and I really believe he is doing so right now. His family are non believers and maybe seeing Anderson believing in God until his last days will be a testimony on its own to his family.

Anderson and I will attend his friend Anderson's memorial service and I will meet Tiffany for the first time. Let me know if you have anything to say about Tiffany's e-mails!! I think she would really appreciate knowing that Anderson's story is changing people...

July.. Summer is here. Like-- really here. Its been H O T in LA but I love summer nights.  Last night Anderson and I went to Blue Dahlia after work to get a burger. We didn't even know but they were having live music with different musicians. Good food... outside patio.. great weather.. it was just really nice to be out enjoying the music... getting away from the daily grind.

On the way home... Anderson got an e-mail from his friend. His friend  whose name is also Anderson is in the hospital and he's sick. He has a brain tumor and he's had it for a while now... no one is sure how long he will hold on for. Anderson's wife ( wow.. all these Andersons is going to get confusing isnt it?) writes these daily e-mails so his friends and family can know how he is doing. I've never met either of them but just reading her daily e-mails has really touched my heart. After I read the e-mail to Anderson I asked him if he had read their testimony and he said no... so I began to read that to him. When we were almost home I got tired of reading so I just started to talk to him about them. I told him how I never met her before but through her e-mails I really see how much she loves her husband. She is in the hospital with every single day.. every single moment just watching him and holding his hand and writing about it to her friends... I began to tell A how strong she was and how she always talks about her husband as the love of her life... and then I started to tear!! like a LOT. I never do that. What the heck is wrong with me?? I could tell Anderson could hear my voice cracking and he knew I was crying but he kept his eyes on the road.. I think he got scared! ahha. When he pulled up to my driveway... he looked over at me as I was wiping away my tears and said, " your mom is going to think we got into a fight!" ahaha.. I told him I would tell her he beat me up. I think what really hit me was when she said that they were just two 25 year olds facing the reality of life. That it wasn't something that just happened to "other" people.. but it was happening to THEM. The other part that got me was when she talks about Anderson accepting Christ. I was telling A last night... it's not just a STORY.. its... real. It's just crazy to think that they are 28.. and they've been going through this since they were 25 and in the midst of all the craziness.. they got married like 5 months ago... and now... now they are praying for a miracle.

This is one of the e-mails she wrote recently along with their testimony. She knows people are forwarding the e-mails and I guess all I ask is that you read and then pray for a miracle...

It's long... but she really takes you through their journey.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi everyone...

I wish I had better news for today's update.

Anderson had a brain hemorrhage tonight.  They told us that his tumor hemorrhaged and there's nothing else they can do.  They're not sure if he'll make it through the night, or the next few days... but it's going to be soon.  He's not responsive right now... but he looks like he's sleeping very peacefully. 

I had a thought while I was talking to my parents and telling them the news.  I shouldn't have added the "miracle of healing" request at the bottom of the medical requests.  It's almost as if I put the least faith that God would do that so it was just and little blip at the end of a long list of tiny things He could do.  I should have put the miracle of healing at the top of the list. You should always start with the most important things.  My prioritization was horrible. 

We thought about extubating him in the morning if he makes it... in case he had any last words...but the doc told us that it would be a horrible way to go if he was awake and alert... so we're not going to do that.  We're just going to go back to praying and waiting. 

In a way, I think I'm happy for him.  He won't have to be imprisoned by his body for much longer.  He'll be going to a better place.  A place where he can run and talk and sing and dance.  I'm sad too... but my heart doesn't hurt right now.  Maybe it will later... but right now... it doesn't.  I have peace that I don't understand.

He still has life in him so I will continue to pray for a miracle.  And I'll make it the top priority this time.  Please pray for us too.  Thank you so much.

I don't have much else to say.  I'll include the other 13 pages of Anderson's testimony and go back to holding his hand.

much <3,
Tiff

Anderson's Testimony & the Tifferson story
as told by Tiffany Ng Chen
Begun on May 25, 2009

(page 2) Now when you hear people say, "he's perfect for me"... I think a lot of times that phrase is all wrapped up with emotions and infatuation.  When I say that Anderson is perfect for me, he truly is.  The way he is... is just perfectly in complement to me.  The only reason why I didn't break his heart was because he never went out and told me he liked me before I was ready to hear it.  Granted I had confused him a great deal, but he's a pretty patient guy and he never jumps the gun.  It's a theme that will come back later... wait for it.  :)  Since he let me say that I liked him first, he didn't scare me off or drive me away.  That being said, it took him a whole day after I told him I liked him, for him to say it back to me.  I really didn't mind. He was my friend and I wasn't all nervous or hung up about it.  And anyway, that was that.  It was about May 5th around that time... might have been May 6th but since it's closer to cinco de mayo, we just count that as our dating anniversary.  And yes, that means that we just had our 6-year dating anniversary a few weeks ago. 
     So here's where it gets slightly hairy.  Anderson and I were in a dating relationship... but I was/am a Christian and he wasn't.  I probably broke up with him at least... a few times a week for I don't know how many weeks.  He recalls that I’d come over on Sundays and break up.  He didn’t even know what he did.  He calls it the “wake up, break up.”  Honestly, I don't know why he kept taking me back.  I know that I really just couldn't be apart from him.  I really was drawn to him.  Maybe he was drawn to me too.  I always ask him why he kept taking me back and this is his cumulative answer... that he felt that I was worth it.  He likes to say that he doesn't rush into anything and when it does it once, he does it right.  I am his first girlfriend and his last.  Anyhow, so we hit a rough patch already in our relationship with the whole Christianity thing.  He came with me to AACF (Asian American Christian Fellowship) things... I might have dragged him to Friday night fellowship (yes, it was still TURF back then for you FCBC Walnutters) and I guess that's how he met Ted.  I don't exactly know how they met, but I know that they hit it off.  Ted's a great guy and he's more a friend than a pastor.  Also, Ted is Taiwanese, which helped Anderson connect with him more since they have similar cultural background.  So they began talking/emailing about Christianity.  Anderson was interested... he said that I was the first Christian he met that really and truly believed in God and did what God said (even though I broke the rules by dating him... but I guess other than that... haha... he said that there was something different about me that made him really think about Christianity again).  He said that he was open to it, but he didn't want to make a decision BECAUSE of me... he didn't want it to be the only reason he chose Christianity.  It also was a hard time for us.  Anderson was graduating from college and I was heading off to Kyrgyzstan for a missions trip for a month.  So we both decided to go back to being friends.  Good friends.  So he graduated and went to Brazil to work and I went to Kyrgyzstan.  While he was in Brazil, he emailed Ted a bunch of questions about Christianity to which Ted answered.  Ted was able to answer all his questions and Anderson had no more excuses.  He decided to become a Christian.  So he prayed to God that night while he was alone in Brazil.  Then he sent me an email telling me that he was a Christian now so that was the end of that dilemma.  Email access was pretty sparse in Kyrgyzstan but I still got the message.  I don't recall the date but it was sometime in July of 2003.  So yeah... we didn't have to break up because Anderson became a Christian; the first miracle of our relationship.

    Many of you might know/remember that Anderson worked in Brazil for a few years after he graduated.  He would spend 3 months in Brazil and one month in LA.  He would work during the day and chat with me online at nights while he worked on his store's website (http://www.pomona174.com/).  He only went to church when he was in the US so spiritual growth was fairly slow, but steady.  Throughout this time, we'd been learning more about each other, keeping each other company, becoming best friends... but most of all we learned how to communicate better with one another.  We learned how to tell each other what bothered us about one another and we learned how to work those problems out together.  Now I see that learning how to do that for one another also helped us learn how to keep each other accountable with things that pertain to our walk with God.  Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17.  That's what we learned to do for one another.
     Now... when I said earlier that Anderson is a patient guy and that he never jumps the gun... well... he tends to wait on things sometimes and only change it when he's forced to.  One great big force that inspired change in both of our lives was when Anderson started experiencing vertigo symptoms after flying back to the US in the summer of 2006.  We had been dating for about 3 years.  That particular summer, he flew back, and then we went on a cruise with my family right after that.  When he got back from the cruise, he was feeling dizzy and nauseous all the time.  I totally thought it was vertigo from all the travel.  It was also his first time on a cruise.  Things got so bad that his father flew back from Brazil to take care of him.  I was in grad school at the time getting my master of public health.  One doctor after another said that it was vertigo, but it wasn't getting any better with time.  A few weeks had gone by and he went back to the first doctor who suggested he get an MRI.  I remember he got that MRI done on a Friday... a day that I was at work and I wasn't checking my phone.  On the way home from the MRI center, they called him and told him to get to UCLA medical center right away.  So he went.  I didn't find out until hours later that he was at the hospital.  I remember being really upset at myself for not checking my phone all day.  They told us when we were there that Anderson was to undergo emergency brain surgery to remove a very large tumor in his cerebellum.  I was speechless and was in tears the whole night.  Two 25-year-old kids having to deal with the reality that death and separation were not just things that happened to “other” people… it could happen to us.  We were heartbroken and said our "what ifs" all night long.  Both our lives were shaken to the core. 
It was a horrible night for us.  The ICU in the old UCLA hospital, where Anderson stayed the night before his first surgery, was the worst I'd ever seen.  It was one room, 4 ppl smashed into it with no room for chairs for guests, barely enough room to walk and stand next to him.  All 4 ppl were suffering from different conditions at varying stages of recovery.  Anderson was vomitting all night long.  A few friends came by the hospital that night to encourage us. I think that was the worst night of my life.  We really loved each other, but I don't think that our love was truly tested until that point in our lives.  Also, there was really no place for me to stay and wait with him in the room.  I stood next to him for as long as I could until they kicked me out and then I waited in the waiting room.  It was cold, the chairs were uncomfortable, the automatic sliding door was noisy, and I had come almost straight from work so I was in dress pants, a thin sweater and flip flops.  Cold cold cold.  We were both emotional wrecks and also physically uncomfortable.
     Anderson went in for surgery first thing Saturday morning.  I think the surgery was about 5 hours or so.  A few people came to drop off food, to keep us company, and pray with us.  All in all, the surgery went very well and we were all so relieved.  I went up to see him first thing and he was talking already.  It was surprising. I imagined that he would be all wrapped up and unrecognizable, but he looked like he hadn't even undergone surgery.  The incision was in the back of his head.  I remember they even saved the hair that they shaved off from the back of his head.  Mmm... thank you, I guess.  He went back to the horrible ICU and was really sensitive to sound and light.  It didn't help that 4 people's monitors were beeping, 3 other patients and their visitors were talking, someone had a radio on, and some of the nurses were so insensitive or unaware about the special needs of a neuro patient post-op that they just didn't care to take care.  3 days after surgery, Anderson was discharged from the hospital and we went home. 
     Recovery from the first surgery was remarkable… I’d even venture to say it was miraculous.  Anderson had to relearn how to walk, to coordinate his arms and legs and fingers.  The doctors told us that it might take him a month to relearn how to walk, but within a few weeks he was walking on his own.  He recovered at home for a month, then did radiation therapy at UCLA. His family drove him to UCLA everyday for probably 6 weeks or so.  After that he did chemo.  He was handling it all quite well.  He wore a beanie for the hair loss, but he was driving again... and he even started bowling again.  His recovery after his first brain surgery was the longest time in our relationship that we'd ever been in the same country.  We had a blast hanging out, seeing friends.  Anderson served on leadership with me that year at church and he'd revitalized the ushering and hospitality teams and even led a training session for the ushers.  I remember that Anderson's first day out without the beanie was my graduation in the spring of 2007.  I was so proud of him.  I'd also cut his hair too and I was proud that I did a pretty good job with that.  :P
     Right after I graduated with my MPH, I went straight into nursing school the next fall.  Everything seemed to be going really well until one day in the spring of 2008 Anderson started to feel dizzy again.  He stopped driving.  We found out on his next MRI that the tumor was starting to grow back in the same spot in his cerebellum.  We were devastated once again.  Anderson's neuro oncologist immediately switched his chemo.  The following month the tumor doubled in size.  Anderson's neuro oncologist switched his chemo again, but the tumor was still growing.  During that time, UCLA was transitioning into moving patients from the old hospital to the new building so they decided to postpone surgery until the end of July 2008.  Prior to surgery, Anderson had to clear his blood of certain drugs to minimize the risk of bleeding so he was taken off chemo for the month of July.  Backing up a little bit to about May/June 2008, Anderson had been ring shopping with his parents and cousin.  He remembers getting so dizzy as he went to downtown LA to go shopping and finally to drop off the diamond to be set into the ring he had custom made for me.  He remembers having to hold on to his mom as he walked through downtown. 
     The day the ring was done, his parents went to downtown to pick it up.  I heard later on that Anderson had wanted to plan something big for our engagement, but since he couldn't walk or drive on his own, he didn't know if any of that would be possible.  I asked him recently what he would have done for our engagement if he’d had more time.  He said he’d probably take me up a mountain and feed me.  By mountain, he meant somewhere with a view.  He said he’d feed me because you should always say yes on a full stomach.  He said that was all we needed… just us, a nice view, and good food.  That would have been nice.  Prior to our real engagement, he had been working on a scrapbook for me for weeks.  I had actually found the scrapbook he bought for me a while ago.  I thought it was for his sister Kelly's baby (she was pregnant at the time) because it was a really cute polka dot scrapbook with a baby on the little window on the front.  He just let me think it was for Kelly until the day he proposed.  That particular Monday, I remember that I had gone to his house to hang out right after going to the gym... (if you're Anderson's facebook friend, his profile picture is of our engagement day... and that's why I'm wearing what I'm wearing...trust me, I definitely would have wanted to be wearing something a little nicer than my gross gym clothes and a ponytail for our engagement day pictures...).  That day, we had been talking and crying and really just struggling with each other about the regrowth of the tumor and the upcoming surgery.  It was a pretty heart wrenching night for us... but after crying it out, we decided to pray about it and almost instantly we were flooded with peace with our situation.  It was at that time that Anderson decided to propose to me.  He got down on both of his knees and gave me the scrapbook and asked if I would make him the happiest man on earth by being his wife.  We were already crying earlier but now our tears of mourning had turned into tears of joy.  :)  Another miracle in our relationship. 
     Telling people we were engaged was such a joyous time for us.  It was also a horrible time for us because people would also ask when we were going to get married... and I'd have to say that I have no idea because now wasn't the time to prepare for a wedding... it was time to get ourselves ready for Anderson's next surgery.  Telling our story again and again to people who asked was bittersweet, but more sweet than anything else.  I was so happy that after over 5 years of dating this dude, he finally popped the question (and I loved the ring, of course).  I had serious doubts about when this guy was EVER going to propose after our 3rd year of dating.  He's the type of person that doesn't like to be pressured about the future and I'm the type of person that likes to plan things out in advance.  We both had to learn to accommodate each other, but I learned patience and faith more than anything.  Through Anderson, I learned how to release my control freak tendencies and be patient with him.  Anyway, back to our engagement... I remember Anderson saying that regardless of what happened during the surgery, that he wanted me to have the ring he bought me because I deserved it and so much more.  I don't know about that, but that's what he said and that's what he keeps saying. 
     We were both a little more prepared going into the second surgery since it wasn't emergent like the first one.  I think we rented a room at the UCLA guest house the night before and stayed there.  We went to the hospital and cried a little here and there during the pre-op time... but then a few of our friends came and it cheered us both up.  I started the Anderson Updates facebook group during the time Anderson was in surgery.  I think I might also have been working on care plans for nursing school since his surgery fell right before finals week in summer school.  I had worked it out with my professors that I would come in to campus one day and take all my finals all at once.  I remembering working on one pediatric care plan in the ICU after Anderson came out of surgery.  It was actually a decent time to do homework since he was knocked out and it was really quiet in the neuro ICU at UCLA.  By God's grace, Anderson made it out of the surgery and I got A's in my 2 classes. 
     The recovery from Anderson's second surgery was a much rougher one.  He woke up with double vision, slurred speech, his right hand and leg was uncoordinated and his left leg felt hot all the time.  He wasn't getting better as quickly as the last time.  The disappointment from his seemingly lack of progress in his recovery threw Anderson into some depression, deep frustration, and his parents found that their patient and pleasant son wasn't so patient and pleasant anymore.  I don't think they quite know how to deal with him to this day.  He wouldn't get out of bed all day long and his parents brought him meals in bed and left right away so he wouldn't yell at them.  He was able to talk to me during this time so I understood why he was so frustrated.  He kept comparing this time with the last time and he was just so frustrated that he couldn't do the same things anymore.  He stopped writing because his right hand became uncoordinated.  He'd used up all his patience with himself and his slow recovery that he had none left for anyone else. He didn't want to see anyone or even want to leave the house.  He only left the house for doctor’s appointments.  He also didn't want to leave the house for physical or occupational therapy (PT/OT).  He rationalized that since he didn't need them last time, why would he need them this time.  Case management at UCLA also never got in contact with us after about a few days after he went home from the hospital so I don't think Anderson got any therapy after the surgery and that was the time that he really, really needed it. 
     It was also a hard time for the two of us.  I struggled with how to be there for him.  He struggled with his recovery. I think the thing he struggled with the most was the double vision. He hated how people stared at him with the patch on... especially rudely unaware Asians in our area. He was so frustrated with it... I really didn't know what to say after a certain point. One day I just decided that enough was enough and I was going to drag him out no matter what.  I also convinced him to do physical therapy at home even though that kind of physical therapy wasn't exactly what he needed... but at least it was something.  Anderson had only been walking around the house and to the backyard so making him go out was a big deal.  Slowly but surely, he gained confidence in going out and we were able to do things together outside the house again.  He did pretty well with his physical therapy, but it wasn't specialized therapy since the only equipment he used was what the lady could carry with her inside the house and she took it all back after she left. Things were starting to get a little better.  Anderson was open to having a men's small group meet at his house so he could hang out with some guys without leaving home.  He started coming back to church and he was allowing people to come visit him a few at a time.  At this point, I think it was sometime around the end of 2008. 
     Backing up to March of 2008 (a time when Anderson was still feeling good, before finding out about tumor regrowth... he had gone back to Brazil to work), there was some turmoil going on at our church, FCBC Walnut.  Long story short, Pastor Ted, the same one who was so instrumental to leading Anderson to Christ, left our church a few months after that and went to pastor another church a few miles away.  I can't remember the exact date he left, but I do remember thinking that it was the worst and possibly the best thing that could ever happen to our church.  I was really hoping for a revival at church.  The turmoil had stirred up a whole lot of stuff that had been brewing for years and years and things were finally coming out into the open.  I was hoping that God would use that time to really spur change within the church body.  But, from my own perspective... I couldn't really see a whole lot of change.  Anyway, more on that later... Pastor Ted's first day preaching at his new job at EFC Walnut was in early July 2008.  Anderson and I were newly engaged at that point, but he hadn't undergone surgery yet.  A group of us from FCBC Walnut went to support Ted at EFC Walnut that Sunday... and that day I ran into my old elementary school friend, Allison.  I found out she was going to nursing school and she found out that I was in the middle of nursing school.  Allison had also recently found another old friend of ours from elementary school through Yelp... Mark.  I had recently found some old elementary school pictures I'd scanned so I sent them to Allison and tagged her on the pictures on facebook. We found Mark on facebook too and since Mark has the memory of 10,000 elephants, that was the beginning of facebooking with our class from Stanley G. Oswalt Elementary School.  All the facebooking snowballed into the Oswalt Eagles c/o '94 facebook group and a trip down memory lane for all of us former eagles. We all facebooked each other pretty frequently and had laughs about all the old pictures that people dug up. I think we had a reunion at Creekside Park sometime in November of 2008.  Mucho fun for me.  Anderson was still recovering at home at that time. 
     Needless to say, Anderson's recovery period was definitely not a time for wedding planning.  I had gotten some free bridal magazines here and there, but that's about it.  I made a few lists of ideas and I'd gone to a few places to try on dresses, but that was the extent of my wedding planning.  Anderson had really wanted to get married after his double vision went away and after he had a full recovery so we put off setting a date for a later time.  We still kept in contact with Pastor Ted and had dinner with his family monthly.  We had already known from the first few years we were dating that if we got married Pastor Ted would officiate.  We had our grand ideas of getting married at Dodger stadium... and we shared those ideas with Ted during our chats after dinner.  Those were precious times because Ted was able to ask us tough questions and help us both work out our issues with our parents, with each other, and with our life situation.  Those chats after dinner were pretty significant in both Anderson and my growth as individuals and as a couple.  Ted was able to meet with Anderson here and there just the two of them.  I have no idea what they talked about during those times, but I'm sure it was good stuff. 
     So Christmastime 2008... lots of family reunions and bringing/dragging Anderson to my family functions.  I had finished up my pre-licensure coursework in nursing school and had just gone to my pinning ceremony (a type of graduation for nurses).  Anderson went and finally met my nursing school friends that I talked about so often.  Good times.  December had passed and I was taking my NCLEX (nursing licensing exam) review course during the first week of January 2009.  Halfway through the review course, I got a voicemail from Anderson asking me to call him right away when I could.  So during breaktime, I called.  He told me that his latest MRI showed that the tumor was growing again.  I don't know if he was torturing himself or what, but he asked the doctor how long he would live.  The doctor said that at this rate, if he does no treatment, he gives him 6 months to live.  That day of that phone call was the 2nd worst day of my life.  Actually... I'm not sure if this day or the night before the first surgery was worse but it's pretty darn close.  I dropped out of my review course and went to Anderson's house.  We cried and cried and cried.  We fell asleep from emotional exhaustion, we woke up and we talked.  We decided that we wanted to get married and we wanted to get married fast.  That day was Wednesday, January 7, 2009.  We had a meeting with our parents, Pastor Ted, and a few other friends that night and we decided to get married on Saturday, January 10th.  We envisioned that we'd just get married with our immediate family in the backyard of my house... maybe 20 people, very minimal, no flowers, no decorations, no frills.  Just the basics.  I thought that everything was pretty clear and decided.  Thursday during the day, we went to Norwalk to get our marriage license.  Getting the license was pretty much our only goal for the day.  Some time after we'd gotten the license, I get a call from my parents asking me if we meant this coming Saturday and to come home that night to talk.  I was pretty darn sure that we had decided on the backyard wedding on Saturday.  My parents thought that we meant A Saturday, but not THIS Saturday.  After some deliberation and some compromise on both sides, we decided to move the wedding from our backyard to a medium sized room at our church (called the PC) so we could accommodate my family (which is pretty big) and a few more guests.  My mom was also really concerned about the dog poop my brother's dog leaves all over our backyard so moving it to church seemed to remedy that dilemma.  My dad tells the story from their perspective at the 2009 Valentine Dinner.  Video is available from FCBC Walnut A/V staff. 
     So, we went to bed on Thursday night thinking about a slightly larger, but still small wedding of maybe 50 people.  We had asked a friend of ours to photograph it and also to help buy Anderson a wedding band on Friday.  We asked another friend to video it and from our perspective, things were looking good.  My mom had called Pacific Palms Resort and asked if their buffet could accommodate 50 people for dinner Saturday night.  They said that they could do it.  So, that was that. Wedding dinner, check.  Location, check.  Photographer, check. Videographer, check. Family on board, check.  What to wear?  Anderson would just wear a suit and I would wear this cream colored knee-length extremely simple and plain silk cowl neck dress that I'd bought a few months back but hadn't worn yet. Not my ideal wedding gown, but it seemed fitting for a small wedding in a small room and seriously, what could you expect out of one day's wedding planning? 
     Friday morning, I wake up to my mom's phone call telling me that she called Pastor Wilson at church and they've moved the wedding to the biggest room at our church, the Cantonese congregation was going to cater the food, and that we could invite everyone we wanted because the decision was made to make our wedding open invitation.  My heart skipped a beat and I think Anderson might have been sleeping still, but I woke him up soon after that call and we both started inviting people.  He went down his address book on his cell phone and started calling people inviting them to our wedding.  I mass Evited everyone I could think of... including my newly reclaimed elementary school friends. I really never thought I’d be eviting people to my wedding. I’d joked about it before, but never in a thousand years would I have thought that it would be my reality. As I was checking my gmail, I looked to the left at my chat list and saw that Christine Tsoi Loo was online.  BINGO!  I chatted with Christine and asked her to PLEASE HELP ME COORDINATE THIS WEDDING.  She had gotten married in the same room at our church less than a year ago and she was gracious enough (and somewhat crazy enough) to agree to help.  And then I got a call from Auntie Sherry.  Now Auntie Sherry is a really special lady.  She's the only person in the world who calls me Mei Mei (which in Chinese means little sister).  I'm usually not a little sister.  I'm the big sister.  I take care of everything and everybody, but this time, I was going to be the little sister and let Auntie Sherry take care of me.  I relinquished almost all of my control over this wedding to Auntie Sherry (who has a background in event planning), and who also renewed her vows with her husband a few years back.  I don't know the specific details about what she did, but her phone was basically melded into her head from the moment Pastor Wilson asked her to help plan the wedding to way after we'd gone to sleep Saturday night. 
     If I could show you the dress I was going to wear and if you could juxtapose it with the dress I actually wore, you would see how Auntie Sherry was like my fairy godmother turning me into Cinderella for a day.  She transformed my made-in-China silk dress into designer European silk.  I really can’t thank her enough for lending me her wedding gown… and I’m also thankful that Auntie Sherry and I are almost the same height and our husbands aren’t too tall.  But most of all, I’m so thankful for the unity and the love that our entire church expressed for us through making our wedding a reality.  Many lovely ladies and diligent men worked long and hard at a moment’s notice so that Anderson could just stay at home and he didn’t have to worry about the wedding at all.  His cousin recently got married and gave all his groomsmen matching suits so the grooms party already had something to wear.  I think he spent all of Friday making calls to his friends and to Pacific Palms.  That’s about it.  My Friday was a little more busy, but honestly, I hardly had to take care of anything.  I even had time for a mani/pedi with my  bridesmaids and my mom.  Everything came together perfectly and we have no One else but God to thank for our miracle wedding. 
The day of our wedding was the happiest day of our lives.  Some of you asked why I burst into tears when I turned the corner to walk down the aisle.  The culmination of everyone’s labor of love for us and the love of my life standing at the end of the aisle hit me right then and hit me really hard.  It was an incredibly moving moment and I’ll never forget it for the rest of my life.  Every time I think about that one moment I get a tear in the corner of my eye.  The best wedding gift that all of you gave us was our wedding.  Thank you for coming and I apologize to any of you who felt that maybe we had put you at the bottom of the guest list.  Some guests found out only 2 hours before the ceremony so if you found out any earlier than that, I’d say you were pretty much the first to be invited. 
Now, the collaborative effort that everyone so willingly, eagerly, and graciously sacrificed of themselves in the days surrounding our wedding was nothing short of God’s glory manifested when His church body functions as ONE.  I had never ever experienced anything like that before and I think that it was evident to everyone that this wedding was something special.  I don’t think Anderson or I ever expected what we received and although he constantly tells me that he should have married me earlier… we both recognize that had he done so, we never would have had our priceless miracle wedding. 
Many lives were touched through our wedding and I truly think that God used our wedding to start the revival we so desperately hoped for at FCBC.  We are incredibly moved by the prayer and love that so many of you have devoted to us.  Words cannot express our gratitude for your sacrifice and discipline.  Somehow, I think that maybe the revival is not quite complete and perhaps that is why God has allowed Anderson to continue to suffer from the tumors.  Anyway, I haven’t even gotten to how God has worked in our lives and had been taking care of us since our wedding. 
K, so… after the wedding, I decided to take a break from school and job searching and just support and take care of Anderson full time.  Maybe God knew that this was what I needed to finally take a break from academia. Who knows.  Either way, I was happy to give up this part of my life for my husband.  I never thought that I would ever give up a career for marriage, but when put in the situation, it was the easiest decision I’ve ever made.  We devoted all of our free time to looking for the best treatment options for Anderson.  UCLA wasn’t giving us many options, nor did his neurosurgeon want to undergo surgery again, so we decided to look on our own. 
Previous to this 3rd recurrence, Anderson’s family had wanted to keep a low profile on his health condition.  They’re not the type to put their business out there for everyone to see.  The search for new treatments was basically done by his dad and Anderson himself at home online.  After the wedding, we both worked super hard to find new treatments, contact neuro-oncologists, try to enroll in clinical trials, and network as much as possible.  I had never used a fax machine so much until I became a Chen.  We also put it out to all our friends and family to help us look and we didn’t take anyone’s suggestions or advice for granted.  I have a google spreadsheet with at least 30 doctors/hospitals that we’ve made contact with since January 2009.  It was a frustrating time for us because trying to get a hold of Anderson’s records was so time consuming and slow-moving, especially since we NEVER get to speak to anyone directly.  We always have to leave a message and they’ll call us back on their time.  Anderson became extremely frustrated because he felt like he had so much to do and no time to do it in.  I remember quite frequently having to stop everything we were doing to remind him that we do our best and let God do the rest.  Sounds trite but it’s so true in our case. 
Now, that brings me back to why reconnecting with my elementary school friends was so significant.  One of my friends, Mark, has a brother who used to work for Dr. Hamid, a neuro oncologist in LA, and we were able to make an appointment with him.  Anderson had been interested in M.D. Anderson Cancer Center for a long time and when we had mentioned that to Dr. Hamid, he told us that it was such a coincidence because he was going to fly to Texas to meet with his colleagues at M.D. Anderson the next day.  We asked him to take Anderson’s case to his colleague and ask if there was anything available for him, treatment-wise, in Texas.  We were particularly interested in a clinical trial for a drug called Delta-RGD-something or other done by Dr. Lang.  We had tried getting in contact with them on our own, but with very little success.  So Dr. Hamid was able to take Anderson’s case to M.D. Anderson and he kept in contact with us via email and phone calls while we waited for their response.  It took a few weeks for someone to contact us, but when they did, it wasn’t Dr. Lang, it was Dr. Weinberg.  He had told us over the phone that he saw Anderson’s MRI and his records and felt that he would be a good candidate for the laser thermal ablation therapy they had recently started using at M.D. Anderson.  We were surprised because we hadn’t even asked about the laser trial and we’d never even heard about it.  After that phone call, we researched the laser thermal ablation on our own and also contacted Visualase, the company that manufactures the lasers, and were able to get a LOT of our questions answered at that time. It was everything Anderson was looking for.  It was minimally invasive, it had a quick recovery time, it got rid of the tumor, and it was cutting edge technology. We hadn’t even been looking for this treatment so finding it was certainly of no credit to us; we recognized that it was God’s work in our lives. This breakthrough came probably a month after we’d been searching long and hard with very little results. 
M.D. Anderson took a while to get back to us.  When they did, they gave us a tentative date 2-3 weeks from that time for mid March.  During that time, we were researching other institutions that also provide the same treatment.  The Visualase CEO was able to arrange for us to send our records to a hospital in Minnesota who also was doing the laser treatment.  The CEO (or some one else pretty high up there) told us that we’d be able to do the treatment by the end of the week, pending scheduling confirmation by the hospital’s surgeon.  So we decided to make the preparations and go since they were the one who offered treatment the soonest.  Kelly bought the plane tickets and we were almost getting ready to pack up to head out to cold, cold Minnesota.  The next day, we called Minnesota and they told us that they wouldn’t be able to fit us in for another week after the M.D. Anderson appointment.  We were pretty disappointed, but in the end, it really worked out for us.  We were able to cancel our flight to Minnesota and we made preparations to go to Texas instead.
Anderson’s laser thermal ablation was scheduled for March 18th, 2009.  We had pre-op workup and appointments starting 8am March 17th.  So we arrived in Texas on the 16th and got ourselves mentally prepared for the appointments on the 17th.  We met Dr. Weinberg straight away and we were so impressed by him and how he took the time to explain everything to us and make us feel comfortable with him and with the procedure.  During the time of Anderson’s physical assessment, Anderson mentioned that he had headaches that came and went.  The headaches, coupled with a tiny area of enhancement in the frontal lobe on Anderson’s latest MRI persuaded Dr. Weinberg to get Anderson an MRI that night, prior to surgery.  So we did the MRI that night at maybe 8 or 9pm and went back to the hotel.  When we got back, Dr. Weinberg called and told us that the tiny spot on the last MRI just a month ago had grown to a tumor of over 3cm in diameter today.  The laser therapy could only be used for tumors no larger than 2cm so the laser therapy was out of the question.  Dr. Weinberg presented the idea of taking out the frontal lobe tumor by surgery, the old fashioned way… a craniotomy.  We weren’t thrilled about the tumor, but we were glad that Anderson could get it out so quickly (remember that UCLA had postponed Anderson’s 2nd surgery for months because of their renovations).
The next day, we woke up early and got to the hospital.  Dr. Weinberg had called us so late at night (maybe 11pm) that the paperwork and the nurses had no idea about the change to the surgery.  He explained to us that he would take care of the laser therapy first (to the cerebellar tumor), and then if Anderson tolerated the procedure ok, he would proceed to the craniotomy to remove the 3cm frontal lobe tumor. So we went to the surgical waiting room and waited, not knowing whether our wait would be a couple hours or more than 10 hours if everything went as planned.  Every 2 hours in the waiting room, there were nurses who called us over to hear updates on Anderson’s surgery.  We were thoroughly impressed by how caring the hospital and their staff were.  It was night and day compared to UCLA and how they treated us.  Volunteers come by to talk to you if you need, they bring you tea, coffee and snacks every few hours.  There are chairs all over the place and there are puzzles out on tables, a library with books for people to read while they’re waiting… there’s just so much about M.D. Anderson that shows you that they really listen to the patients and the families about what would make the process easier.  We were so glad that we ended up at M.D. Anderson.  They are truly world class and the number one place to go for cancer treatment. 
We waited for 15 hours in the waiting room until we were finally able to talk to the doctor.  He told us that Anderson handled the surgery really well and that he was able to get all of the frontal lobe tumor out.  He also said that it was a good thing that they didn’t use the laser on the frontal lobe tumor because the tumor had wrapped itself around a really large blood vessel like a bead on a string.  He had to cut the tumor out in pieces but was able to save the blood vessel.  He said that if the tumor had been any smaller and they had used the laser, they would have destroyed the blood vessel and he would have been paralyzed on his left side.  It was such a blessing that the timing of the surgery fell on that particular day and that Dr. Weinberg was so willing to do the emergency surgery at 11pm the night before. 
After the surgery, Anderson recovered fairly well although his vision was a little bit unstable and he had to relearn how to walk again.  He was really responding well to Physical and Occupational Therapy (PT/OT) and the results of his evaluations showed massive improvements with only 2 weeks of therapy.  Anderson also started his radiation therapy pretty soon after the surgery.  He also seemed to be handling that well with pretty minimal fatigue.  He was doing so well that Anderson’s parents had agreed to go back to LA and leave us to take care of ourselves in Houston.  They were extremely reluctant to go, but they also acknowledged that we needed some time to ourselves.  We hadn’t been on our own ever since we’d gotten married back in January. 
Things were going well and Anderson was even walking a little on his own.  He’d gone from the wheelchair to the walker to the cane and we were all so proud of his progress.  During our time on our own, we went to the market, we went to Target, we yelped a whole bunch of restaurants and tried them… and we also cooked at home.  We had a blast just hanging out with each other and living together as husband and wife.  He always says “did you know life was going to be like this after we got married?” and I always say “of course I did”, and he says “well why didn’t you tell me sooner? I would have married you when I first met you” and I always say “yeah right, slow poke, you never had the guts” and it goes back and forth like that until we get tired of that conversation. 
Anderson was doing really well physically… and then one day on the last week of radiation (around May 13th or so), he said he started to feel dizzy and unstable.  He stopped using the cane and started using the walker again.  We thought it could have been the effects of radiation finally catching up to him.  It wasn’t toooooo bad.  He just took a nap in the afternoon and he was OK by nighttime, but we tried contacting the radiation oncologist to ask him to move up his MRI from 6/7/09 just in case.  His doctor moved it up to 5/27/09 and I guess that was the best that he could do so we left it at that.  We didn’t think too much of it at the time.  By the end of that week (May 15th), Anderson had finished radiation and we were getting ready for our first week without appointments.  FINALLY, a week of rest!  We were living on our own for a week and a half by then.  My parents and my aunt had been planning on visiting us on Memorial Day weekend (a week later) so I was trying to buy enough food and make preparations for them coming.  I cleaned the bathroom a billion times (darn that dirty grout), I put the towels nicely on the rack, arranged some soap and shampoo in the little basket on the bathroom counter.  Everything was ready for them by a week before they were coming.  Sunday night (May 17th), I remember us thinking about what we were going to do during our first week of vacation from appointments.  We really didn’t have many plans.  We decided that we might go watch Star Trek in the theater and I was going to look up where the movie theater was.  Sometime during the weekend also, maybe Saturday or so… Anderson told me he was having back pain.  I am hyper paranoid every time he tells me he feels strange so I badgered him with 20 questions trying to figure out what the pain was from.  From what he described to me, it sounded like muscle pain.  It wasn’t unusual because he had been working out in PT and he also lifted some weights at home so it seemed to be a reasonable conclusion.  I told him to let me know if it got worse, but if it was muscle pain it should go away in a few days.
Monday morning (May 18th) we get a phone call, letting us know that our radiation oncologist had scheduled an MRI of brain for Anderson that afternoon instead of 5/27/09.  We were a little surprised, but we did want the MRI sooner so we went.  Tuesday morning, 9am, we were back at the hospital for a follow-up appointment to let us know the results of the MRI.  The doctor told us that there were some significant changes in the cerebellar area since the latest MRI.  He did say that the frontal lobe area (that was recently radiated) looked really excellent.  He said that there is an area that could be necrosis, could be tumor, but likely necrosis and he recommended surgery to clean out the dead tissue.  He made us an appointment to meet with the neurosurgeon the following Tuesday (May 26th).  We were supposed to hear more about the surgery and make a decision at that time.  So… Tuesday…we’d already been to the hospital twice on our two days of our “free week”. So much for “vacation”.  We had woken up early to get to the appointment in the morning.  Anderson was pretty tired and so was I, but I decided to try to just stay up and run some errands and then sleep early that night.  Anderson was so tired that he wanted to stay home to take a nap.  So I went to Costco, got gas, bought food to stock up for my parents coming, and I went to bed bath and beyond to buy us some tempur-pedic pillows with our wedding gift cards (thank you to all 6-7 of you who gave us bed bath and beyond gift cards… that’s what we ended up getting).  I also ended up getting Anderson a new electric shaver for his birthday gift.  I decided to give it to him when I got home (May 19th) even though his birthday isn’t until June 27th… because what was the point of hiding it from him when he could use it right now? 
By Tuesday (May 19th), his back pain hadn’t gotten any better.  In fact, he was complaining even more and he would tell me he’d do the dishes, but then when he went to do them, he said that his back hurt too much and asked if I could just use the dishwasher.  I would have used the dishwasher anyway, but if my husband wants to do the dishes, who am I to refuse?  Also, on Tuesday, he told me that the sides of his chest feel kind of funny.  He really couldn’t describe what it felt like... he said it felt kind of numb but he could still feel it when I touched him.  He just said it felt weird.  I told him maybe it would go away, but just let me know if it gets worse.  I massaged Anderson’s back before we went to bed and by 12am, we were in bed sleeping on our tempur-pedic pillows.  I was exhausted.  At 2am, he wakes me up and tells me that he feels numbness across the top of his chest.  At that point, I felt like telling him to sleep it off.  I was SO tired… if we had a baby that was crying and we had to choose who had to get up, I would have made him do it because I was so tired.  But he was worried and so therefore I was worried.  I had told him at 12am that if it had gotten worse, we’d go to the emergency room at M.D. Anderson.  It was 2am, May 20th, and it had gotten worse so I decided that we would just go.  He was also pretty reluctant. 
It’s a short drive to the hospital… and it’s even shorter at 2am.  We left the car with valet and went to the emergency center.  I figured that we’d just be there for a couple hours, get checked out and be back in bed by 5 or 6am.  I didn’t really pack anything, we just went.  We were admitted pretty quickly and things seemed to be going smoothly.  We even ran into a chaplain that we met while Anderson was in the ICU last time and he went with us to the emergency center (the EC) and kept us company.  After an hour, we’d already seen the doctor.  In fact, we’d seen the doctor even before the nurses had come around to start the IV.  I thought that my plan to be home in a few hours seemed reasonable… until after we had been waiting 4 hours to get the results of a chest xray (which I know only takes like 10 minutes).  The nurse just kept telling me that we had to wait for the results.  I was so tired at that point that I didn’t want to argue much.  After maybe 4-5 hours had passed, the doctor comes by to tell us that the chest xray was negative and that she wants to do a chest CT to rule out pulmonary embolism (PE).  So we agree.  We find out a little bit later that the 22 gauge IV that the nurse started was too small for the contrast dye for the CT.  SO, the nurse comes by and sees that the IV is the wrong size and without even taking a look at Anderson’s veins, goes to call the IV team to start the IV.  I guess she was busy and she assumed that since he had the 22 ga that he was a hard stick (that’s nurse slang for someone who has difficult veins), but I didn’t appreciate that.  It took another hour for the IV team nurse to come.  She got the IV right away.  It took another hour after that for transport to come get him for the CT. The CT also didn’t go very smoothly.  The CT nurse told us that the IV team had put in the wrong IV size, yet again!  Anyway, she was able to use that IV but she had to wait until the doctor had cleared it, which took even more time.  We had been awake for a really long time at that point.  I think it might have been 9 am already and we’d already been there for 7 hours without sleep and without food.  I also didn’t bring Anderson’s steroid medication because I thought that we’d only be gone for a few hours so we had to get a doctor to order him a steroid, which took even longer.  All in all, we were both pretty darn miserable… but Anderson most miserable of all.  He was more agitated than I’d ever seen him.  By the time we were done with the CT, we went back to the room and just had to wait for the results.  The doctor came in and told us that she wanted to do an MRI of the spine because both the chest x ray and the CT had come back negative.  Anderson was barely holding on at that point, but he agreed to do the MRI.  So they took him up to MRI at 12pm.  That’s 10 hours we’ve been in the Emergency center and over 27 hours that I had not slept.  I don’t know how, but I kind of got a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th wind at that point and I was feeling almost OK.  I decided to wait in the EC room and watch TV and do a craft while I waited for him to get back from the MRI.  At 1pm, someone comes to the room and tells me to go upstairs to MRI.  My heart stops.  I barely get directions from the guy and make it through the maze to MRI and I find Anderson almost standing on his stretcher with a urinal… relieved that I’d arrived so that I could help him pee.  OMG.  I got mad at him for making me worried but in the end, I understood why he wanted me.  There was only one curtain there separating him from the hallway and the elevator.  There was only one nurse there trying to get the patients ready for the MRI and I know my husband.  He doesn’t want the nurse… he wants his wife.  He was probably waiting there for a while before he wanted to pee and once they gave him the urinal, were probably offering him help that he didn’t want.  He was glad to see me and he peed a little while I was there.  Right after he peed, he decided that he had enough.  12 hours waiting around and all they did was two 20 minute procedures, he hadn’t slept all night, he hadn’t eaten at all because they told him not to eat before the CT, they never delivered his lunch since he was out of the room at that time, and now that he was going to get the MRI, they made him wait another hour (at least) and he wasn’t even going to the MRI yet.  The spinal MRI would take an hour and a half and he said he simply couldn’t handle it anymore.  He was shaking, his legs were weak, he was agitated beyond belief.  He wanted to go home. 
We went back to the emergency center room and Anderson was determined to go home to eat and sleep.  The nurse practitioner came and tried her best to convince him to stay and get the MRI.  We told her that we’d been waiting for 12 hours and only had a chest xray and a chest CT done and asked her if that was normal.  We couldn’t believe it when she said yes.[this is where I stopped... I don't know how long you'll have to wait to hear the rest of our story, but it will come... eventually.] 

Alissa is turning T W O...

This is a gift she got from her uncles and aunties from the Hyungboos side.

She be stylin'

I LOVE IT!!!